"Compatibility is Achieved." -Jourdan Blue, Marriage Therapist
Read that again. Is it as refreshing, and a little relieving, for you as it was for me the first time my coach told me this?
Every relationship hits the same walls at roughly predictable times during couples first 10 years together. I had heard this at marriage counseling required before we got married, but I had forgotten it. And I didn't really know the whole roller coaster story that couples go through. So when we hit walls, I questioned everything.
As she described the "typical" timeline for couples first 10 years, my jaw dropped as everything she described, matched our story. All these years, when we would hit a rough patch my first thoughts were, "Oh, this must not be my person." "If he was my soulmate, this would be easier." "Maybe we just aren't compatible." "I should have known better and saw this before I married him."
So when she said, "Compatibility is Achieved." I was glued to my computer screen. What did she mean? Compatibility wasn't something that just is or isn't? How do I go about achieving this? How do we go about achieving this?
You know the number one requirement? Growth Mindset.
That simple. Almost too simple to believe, right?
And here I sat, priding myself on having a growth mindset. I even have print outs around the house to remind me how to teach my kids to have a growth mindset. It is the one thing that all the successful people I've studied had in common.
But until I started working with my Relationship Coach did I realize that even though I have a growth mindset when it comes to my work, my kids, my soul business. But when it came to my relationships, especially my marriage, I had a fixed mindset. And many of the struggles that Ryan and I have had over the past 5 years can be traced right back to our fixed mindsets.
Jourdan went further to explain how marriage has a failure rate of 80% by the end of 10 years. To be successful in her definition, and I would agree, you have to be married and happy at that 10 years. Not just married, but miserable. And of course not if you're divorced already (which without this massive work on both of us, we would sadly be one of those 80%).
So that leaves a 20% chance to have a successful marriage at 10 years.
To be part of that 20% we both have to have that growth mindset. That is how you achieve compatibility. Both must have this mindset to be a viable relationship.
On the list below, make check marks next to statements that most closely reflect your current mindset.
Fixed Mindset Examples:
You feel like there are limits, ceilings, and you cannot pass them.
Believe others are purposely trying to hurt you (I believed this about Ryan until I realized that it was actually symptoms of depression and anxiety on his part and had nothing to do with me.)
You keep painful memories alive rather than forgiving
I'll never be able to xyz. (Me again)
When I fail, I'm no good.
Always feel like a victim to their circumstances.
Catastrophize all problems.
Refuse to consider other's perspectives.
Growth Mindset Examples:
Anything is possible.
Believe in the power of "not yet" instead of "never"
Curious
Desire to seek outside help and resources
Love to learn so they can acquire the tools to grow
"I can learn anything I want to."
When I fail, I learn.
When I'm frustrated, I persevere.
How does this mindset affect your relationships?
What mindset does the person you typically date have? Or your spouse?
What do you need to do to become more growth mindset orientated?
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