It has occurred to me lately that healthy boundaries are a vital pillar of sustainable emotional wellness. Boundaries have been something that I've had to work really hard on. Both in learning that I didn't have them, what they are, and how to implement them effectively in my personal life to get the results I'm after. And how to implement boundaries that don't feel like I'm pushing people away or somehow limiting myself or them. Boundaries are actually the most freeing thing if implemented correctly.
You see, I've had a knack for attracting one type of person into my life, over and over again. Because well you know, life keeps giving you the test until you pass it. I would happily take their baggage because I mistakenly thought by doing this I was helping them. I was lightening their load so they could get on their feet. I learned that I was indeed doing them a disservice and becoming an "enabler." Soon I was taking on the responsibility for their feelings and results because it was made out that I had caused their feelings and results. I learned this is called a co-dependent relationship, and it definitely isn't healthy. And this one has taken me literally hundreds of times. But since I've started to learn about boundaries and have been implementing steps to have healthy boundaries, the most amazing people are coming into my life. People that show me how to be a good person every single day, in every single situation, through and through. I am so grateful to have them in my life! And no one feels they can't be fully themselves because of these boundaries.
"If you don't heal your wounds, you'll bleed on those who didn't cut you." is a phrase I've been seeing around Facebook lately. But I am such homebody, I had to put it into terms of landscape design to understand how to use them. :)
We all have areas of control in our lives, we'll call them yards. I have a yard. You have a yard. Your husband/wife has a yard. Your boyfriend/girlfriend has a yard. Your child has a yard. Everyone. If you don't have a fence up telling people where your yard starts and theirs ends, the people in your life can over grow their area and into yours, they can throw their junk in your yard thinking it is still part of their yard, and just generally encroach in on your area at will. Without a boundary designating where their yard ends and yours begins, things can be very muddy.
After a while of this happening, your yard is going to be very messy, and you are likely not enjoying spending time in your yard (i.e. you aren't liking the results you are seeing in life.) The first thing to do to start cleaning up your yard is identify and mark your property boundaries. Maybe even construct a fence around your area. Bam! You now have an area all to yourself, all in your control. All the way out to your fence. It's all yours. It is entirely up to you to decide your thoughts, feelings, actions, and the results you get within that fenced in area. You can ride a unicycle, wearing a unicorn hat, while wearing a colorful leotard if you so choose, and no one has the right to tell you differently. (Yes, I might just do that, because I can. :) )
Not only does this fence give you the FREEDOM to act how you so choose in your area, it also helps you start identifying the things in your yard (in your life) that are actually your own, and what belongs to someone else. The items that have either spilled into your yard or been consciously thrown at you. Think of this cleaning phase like shedding those parts of you that other people put on you, that aren't necessarily true. (Like, you're always late, you're so messy, you'll never amount to anything. You're bad with money. You're such a so and so. Whatever it is that people have told you that you know deep down isn't true about yourself...this is the result of all the people in your life throwing their garbage in your yard.)
If you have a toxic person/relationship in your life, a lot of times what is thrown in your yard is actually their baggage, or suitcase. This baggage may be disguised as name calling. They may say you're being such a ______(fill in the blank) Their self worth is somehow tied to your actions. Their feelings are tied to your actions. "You haven't called. Do you even love me anymore?" They say hurtful things, but then act like they have no memory of the incident. To where you doubt yourself, your memory, your judgement. They accuse you of things that you haven't done. (Or many of the times, what they say is much worse than these statements and cut much deeper. Know that it is a reflection of their own wounds and have nothing to do with you.) If you have a really toxic person in your life their things can fill up not only their yard, but your entire yard as well. To the point where you feel you have disappeared because you have been left with no room to be you.
When their suitcase hits the ground in your yard it explodes. And if you are not educated in the names of different negative behavior patterns and how to spot them, you may look at those clothes and think to yourself, oh these must be my clothes and you put them on. You might think to yourself, well my husband says these are mine and they must see something I don't see, and you put these things on and start believing these things about yourself. You start to believe things about yourself that aren't true and came about because of the lack of healthy boundaries. And the dark cloud that has been hanging out over their yard now slowly starts to creep into your yard.
The truth is, these are not your clothes. You do not need to take on this identity they are hurling at you. The greatest news is you get to take off the layers that are not true to you. You get return/not accept their items anymore. Boundaries help you become more you. But first you have to start the work of identifying what is actually yours and what is theirs. Who will you decide you are?
You do this by taking responsibility for your thoughts, actions, feelings, and ultimately your results. If you don't like your feelings or results, then its time to start looking at your thoughts and actions. Decide what you do want and take inspired action. As easy and simple as asking yourself, "What do I want? Then what do I need to do?"
Individuals are responsible for their own emotions. You can not create an emotion in another person. You literally can not "make someone mad." You can not make someone feel anything. You can not make a person like or dislike their feelings. That is their choice and their choice alone. Now I am not advocating for intentionally being mean to anyone, in fact I am speaking exactly the opposite. But I do want to clarify that you can not even hurt someone else's feelings. It is their choice to feel that way (likely due to a deep seeded limiting belief on their part) and their choice alone. And since we know that the equation looks like this: Thoughts>Feelings>Actions>Results. We know that their feelings are a direct result of the thoughts they choose to think. You can not choose thoughts for someone else. Not possible. You are also not responsible for other people's triggers. They and they alone are responsible for all of this!
So how do you interact with someone without having the goal to change them in any way. You don't get to change what they say, how they choose to act, or anything else about them and their own yard. So how do you start to interact with this messy neighbor? The basis of a healthy relationship between yards can come in the form of agreements. Both parties get to say what they'd like to see happen with interactions. Both parties get to choose yes or no. Fully recognizing not working to find an agreeable solution may cause the other person to choose other choices.
But that is the beauty of this human experience. We all get to choose our own way. How we act is between yourself and your God and that is it. Nobody gets to tell you otherwise.
Starting the work to build the fence can be difficult. It can be overwhelming. And likely the response from the person that has been dumping in your yard this whole time, isn't going to be pretty. The Devil doesn't like light shine on his actions and will make that known. But from someone who has started this vital work, the results are worth it. It is so freeing to take off those clothes that weren't mine, that didn't fit me quite right, that I never could get comfortable in. And become more myself with each passing day.
It is also my hope that I can pass on this healthy way of interacting to my kids who can then in turn improve on this improved action that I am learning now.
If finding your space, your yard, your identity is something new to you. I just launched my Becoming More You workbook. It is filled with tips and tricks I have learned over the past years in terms of personal development, figuring out who you are, aligning your life with your higher purpose and calling, living a fulfilling life the way you choose to live it, and getting you going on making that happen. It is a roadmap to identifying your yard so you can start the work of being confident in your boundary. Confident that you know what is yours and what is others. And never again accidentally putting on clothes that don't belong to you. Click here to get your copy while it is still on sale 50% off!
Comments