That spark! You know. The one that gets your heart beating faster. The butterflies in your stomach. The excitement. The chemistry!! Oh my, this must be my person! I feel the sparks!!!
This used to be me. The start of every one of my relationships, except for one. I didn't understand it back then, but I'm glad I listened to that small voice. I'm glad I went for the man that I didn't feel a spark for. Though at the time, I thought I was betraying my exciting side.
Recently I signed up for a course with Jourdan Blue. A marriage therapist out of Nashville, TN. If you haven't found her yet, go look her up. Follow her on Instagram and FB. She is amazing!!!!
She finally explained this spark thing to me, in a way I finally understood. That I didn't make a mistake in picking Ryan, though my relationship style had me believing I had made a huge mistake.
In our first week together she told us the truth about the "Spark." Those "sparks" aren't actually sparks. They aren't chemistry like every song and RomCom has taught us. We've been lied to and we bought into it! Ahhhh!
So here is the truth. That feeling you feel, in your stomach, your heart racing, your palms sweating, your loss of ability to focus is.....anxiety.....Yep.
What is actually happening is, your brain has kept a record of what love looks like through your whole childhood. Your mom, your dad, your loved ones said, "I love you" and your brain started recording. And because we are humans, that story that played out after your brain hit record didn't always end the way we wanted it to. The stories didn't' always end the way we wanted to. We were left with a lot of cliff hangers. Just like a season of your favorite tv show ending with a to be continued....your brain wants to end the stories how you truly wanted them to end. Have another shot at tying up all those loose ends in a pretty bow.
So we ignore those really health guys that want a relationship with us because we find them "boring." Boring because they don't activate any of those loose ends our brains is so desperately trying to tie up. So we ignore them. We think, they must not be our person because I don't feel all those feelings, that "chemistry."
That anxiety (spark) rises up because we feel "Not good enough." And our egos think "But I'll change their mind." "I'll prove to myself that I am beautiful and lovable." The challenge is so enticing to us. Wow, look how great I am when I can get him to change and show us the love we are after.
It's true. When I met Ryan I was completely comfortable. I even told Ryan, "I'm not looking to date anyone. But I can always use another friend." To tell the truth, it was my dog who made me take a close look when it came to Ryan. My dog was incredibly stand-offish. He growled at everyone he ever met. It even took me three months to gain his trust when he was a puppy. But the first time he met Ryan, he was smitten. He didn't leave Ryan's side the entire evening.....Well in this case, I'm so glad I followed my dog's lead. :)
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